Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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