just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Fuck appropriateness.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
