my phone cant type all the emotion im having
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
