My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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