I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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