there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
We are two peas in an std pod
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
