someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
