You made me cry and you don't even care
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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