toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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