If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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