My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
