Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
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