Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
