I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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