Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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