I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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