dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Randomize
