my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
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