I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
