OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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