At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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