afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
