tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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