She said her name was "party"
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
