I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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