She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
