I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
