Hey man sorry I got all grabby
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
