I think I won the penis lottery.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I need moral support for this bender
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
