Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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