I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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