please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
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