i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
