I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
