I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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