my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
