turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
