I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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