u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
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