someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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