I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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