you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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