It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
