chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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