I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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