Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
