yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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