did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
