I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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