its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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