She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Drake has all the answers
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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