When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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