The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
