I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
