Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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